Personal Statements

The personal statement can make or break a suggested shidduch.

For each online dating service, you complete a questionnaire when you sign up. You check off little boxes and fit yourself into various categories (slim, average, zaftig, modern-machmir, chassidishe, just plain frum). Finally, when you reach the end of all the forms, they want you to write a personal statement or sometimes two - one describing yourself and one describing your bashert.

You can be the right height, have the right political and hashkafic outlook, agree with me on whether or not you want to watch movies at home, but it all comes down to the personal statement - that paragraph or two (longer if you're self-involved) that might just let an inkling of your actual personality slip through.

The personal statement is everything. Every suggestion I have ever rejected has been on the basis of someone's personal statement. And I've read enough of them at this point to see some trends developing.

Trend #1 - The Resume
This personal statement lists all of the halachic accomplishments of its writer down to the tiniest detail. I read one yesterday where the guy actually listed how many times he visited his grandmother, on average, over the past few months and how many times he drove the rabbi around.

Trend #2 - Yichus
This personal statement reads like a horse-breeders' magazine. "My great-grandmother was married to the Brisker Rav's son-in-law's brother. Her daughters all married rabbis who had memorized Shas by the age of ten."

Trend #3 - Relatively normal baal teshuva
This personal statement reads just like you would expect it to. "I want to meet an attractive woman who has wonderful middos. I want to have a Shabbos table full of guests. I have a decent sense of humor and will take wonderful care of my future wife."

Now, strangely enough, in a world where people often try to out-do eachother in order to stand out from the crowd, it's the normal personal statement that catches my attention. Is it normal these days to want a normal husband and a normal life? I don't know. But, I do offer this piece of advice, be human - not a descendent of your chashuv relatives or a list of chesed organizations to which you belong.

I told a friend recently that while I'm mediocre at lots of things, I'm great at being human.

Aggressively normal SJF seeks same in SJM.

Update

Phone call accomplished and enjoyed. We had a long conversation about Israel and my fear (?) surrounding it - fear of making my mother have an anxiety attack and fear on my own part for my safety there. He was very real about this and didn't dismiss my fears at all (at least not verbally). He agreed that he would avoid taking buses at all costs and avoid large crowds of people. Why am I writing about this? It was actually a depressing and nerve-wracking conversation since the usual reaction to my fear of going to Israel is to push me even harder to do it. He didn't.

***

Dating is stressful and other Whiny Thoughts

So, I'm sitting here avoiding calling back Suggestion #1 (let's call him "the Israeli"). I'll call him eventually tonight, but why am I avoiding it? He's funny. He's smart. He listens to what I say. I have been completely real with him on the phone, so why am I avoiding?

I have no answer to this question. Dating stresses me out. I'm stuck in a limbo between wanting to be aloof about the whole thing, and being true to myself. True to myself means that I let myself get excited and worked up over the prospect that this could work - the same way I always feel when a new possibility is presented to me until I find a reason it won't.

I suppose this real me - the one who wears her heart in fine detail on her sleeve - could be viewed as foolish. Maybe this would be correct. But the real me gets burned a whole lot more often than the aloof person I'm trying to be.

So, I'm avoiding the phone call.

Also, why do I want to be a part of a community where it's ok to openly express bigoted and racist views? Why is this acceptable? If I heard similar comments from my coworkers, I would be outraged and probably begin to keep at arm's length those individuals making the remarks.

Yet, in the frum community, I tolerate this behavior from people I consider to be my friends. Because they're Jews.

We should know better. If we are supposed to be a light unto the nations, we should strive to be an example in this respect, as well.

Maybe, I'm just associating with the Wrong People. Maybe this doesn't happen in other frum communities.

Why am I here?

A whole week's worth of...

So, it finally happened tonight. Suggestion #1 and I at last spoke on the phone. Our game of phone tag started exactly one week ago tonight.

It was good. He has a very deep voice and a delightful sense of humor. He mentioned that he lives in Boro Park. I couldn't help myself (see previous blog posting). I exploded into a tirade about how exactly disgusting Boro Park is - nothing green, everyone on top of each other, trash all over in the street. He replies in a thick Israeli accent, "What? You don't have trash in the street? Where do you live that there is no trash in the street? Go out. Go out and throw some trash in the street."

And he's an artist who loves Baroque music. I hope he's not gay.

We're talking again motzaei Shabbos. Will post results.

A short one

Ok, so two guys out there now have my phone number and it ain't ringin'. I'm losing hope in my summer project and it hasn't even officially started yet! What's worse? Each day I solidify more and more in my head what I want *him* to be like - I'm worried that *he's* reached unrealistic proportions!

Steam Valve

Ok, so I think I'm now dragging the bottom of the shidduch barrel.

It all started yesterday when I got another match from SYAS. The guy looked interesting and his native language was even French (bonus!). I read down through the profile, registered a slight glitch when he described his political beliefs as extreme right wing (are you surprised, M.H.?), but everything else looked good.

Finally, I reached his personal description. Quotes are his words (I cleaned up the grammar. Apparently France has gotten rid of periods, commas, and capital letters since I was last there.)

"I don't mingle with non-Jews nor do I have any intention to." Strike one. At least he's forward.

"I don't appreciate Christianity..." Strike two. It might just be me, but what a whacko thing to say in a personal description for a shidduch website.

Later in the paragraph he went into a rant about the evil of sharia law and Arabs in general (Ahem, M.H., I know what you're thinking...). Think what you want, but I maintain that these opinions have no place on the SYAS website. Strike three. (He was actually out after strike two, but I just had to keep reading to see if he got any crazier.) He by far rates as the looniest guy I've ever had suggested to me.

I'm at a loss for words. If he weren't a fellow yid, I'd consider calling the FBI and recommending they keep an eye on him. It was seriously that scary.

In other news, I got my first resuggestion today - got the profile of a guy that the ladies at SimchaLink suggested to me last year. It was a no-go then and has remained so.

Here's my turn to be discriminatory - the thing that freaked me out most about this particular guy was his attachment to Breslov. Why does chassidus = "woo-woo" in my mind? I really know almost nothing about it and my exposure to chassidus has mainly been to Lubavitch. Anyone want to help me clarify/dispel the myth? I can only speculate that it has something to do with my attachment to all things tangible. Hmm...

Freaky Thursday

Today has not been a good day. I mean, it has been good in some respects - my friend in Israel called and I ran into another friend at the grocery store. But, for the most part, it hasn't been sunshine and roses.

Freaky thing #1: My pseudo-favorite student got suspended for snapping towels in the locker room, which is possibly the weirdest thing. It's not really even his m.o. to engage in any form of boyish horseplay, let alone towel-snapping. Oh well, even the good ones make bad choices here and there.

Freaky thing #2: My friend has somehow gotten locked out of his blog or forgotten his blogger ID and can't get in to update it. Anyway, he gave me his name and password and I tried logging in for him to see if I could help.

I didn't get any further than he had. I wondered if perhaps he was using the wrong login name, so I started trying all his different screennames in combination with his password (logic dictating that most people use the same password for everything).

I ended up logged into some total stranger's blog. Certainly not my friend's. I felt sort of dishonest and quickly navigated away from the page. I don't know what the charge would be - blogging and entering? Hmm.

So, I have to give credit where it's due - the comment in a previous blog - "You can sell something for $29.99, but you can't sell it for $30" - actually was from another, anonymous-yet-amazingly-talented friend. She, in turn, credits some random she went out with.

Sorry, Mottel. You shouldn't have to take the blame for everything.

Nothing new in shidduch world. I'm now up to 4 accepted matches and ZERO phone calls from SYAS (www.sawyouatsinai.com). Hopefully I'll have news soon.

Monday Update

Still waiting to hear from suggestion #1. He sounds very interesting - his profile says he's an artist... Sent an email to the shadchan about this.

In the meantime, I've had two more suggestions - neither blew me away. I accepted both - we'll see.

Mr. Calvin Kleins did, in fact, decline the suggestion. Sometimes it pays to be passive aggressive.

When it rains, it pours

Still waiting for Match #1 to call... In the mean time, two other suggestions have been made to me. Not sure if either is shayich, but I can't really think of a good reason to say 'no' to either one. One guy is only 26 and looks, I swear, like he should be modeling for Calvin Klein. The other guy is FFB, divorced. As pitiful as it sounds, I'm kind of waiting for them to reject the idea so I don't have to look picky.

Singles weekends - meat market or legitimate way of introducing/meeting people?

First match

Got an email today from my hardworking shadchan re: a match. He is, of course, from NYC, but based on his info, he doesn't seem married to Brooklyn. Brooklyn, by the way, is mydefintion of hell on earth. I'd stay single for the rest of my life if the only other option was getting married and living in Brooklyn. There's always artificial insemination and adoption, after all.

So, now I wait for the awkward phone call. I'm horrible at these - I either come off as too aloof or we end up talking about something way beyond a first-date-acceptable topic. Ideas anyone?

Will keep you posted.

The ball is rolling

Got two replies from my initial efforts to contact shadchanim - progress! One promised to do whatever she could to help and gave me the name of a woman in NY (where else?) who organizes singles weekends. I'm not excited by this prospect - it sounds like a meat market.

In any case, it's a beginning.

First contact

Using the fantastic service provided by www.sawyouatsinai.com, I sent the following to my shadchan:

Hi _____ - First I want to thank you for thinking of me so consistently - I truly appreciate all your efforts.

I wanted to tell you about my plans for the summer and ask for any assistance you can give me. I'm a public school teacher, so I have the summer free. Seeing as how I'm turning 30 in mid-August, I've decided to try and triple-focus my efforts on meeting my bashert before this dubious milestone (as my friend told me the other day, "You can sell anything for $29.99, but not for $30). How inspiring. Nevertheless, I fear it's true.

I am willing to travel to NYC or almost anywhere multiple times, if necessary. I'd like to date as many guys as possible - sort of a dating marathon, I guess.

In any case, please let me know what you think and if you can think of anyone else I might contact who would be able to help.

Thanks a million!

And so it begins...

It's crunch time, ladies and gentlemen. I am a single, Orthodox Jewish female from a certain Midwestern city seeking a husband. Actually, seeking the man of my dreams.

Why, you ask, is it crunch time? Because at the end of this summer, I turn *thirty*. Dread. I can hardly believe that I'm over thirteen. I have no idea how I got to be *thirty*.

Now, before you go and say to yourself in your little New York-ish voice, "Almost thirty, frum and not married? So what's wrong with her?" - let me tell you that I only became seriously frum two years ago. And I live in the Midwest. And I'm a giyores.

Other than that, I'm perfectly cute (if slightly on the chubby side), nice most days, and pretty darn smart (if I do say so myself). You'll have to excuse the lack of humbleness. I teach middle school English and we got our state standardized test scores back today - my students scored considerably higher than the state average. I'm a little full of myself today. (Dont' get me wrong, the credit, of course, goes to my brilliant kids, but I'm taking this opportunity to bask in their glory.)

In any case, it's crunch time.

I'm on a mission this summer - 2005 - to find my bashert and get hitched because, as my friend Mottel told me quite recently, "You can sell something for $29.99, but you can't sell anything for $30." Thanks, Mottel.

Your role in this will be to read and be possibly amused by this blog, and to send any hot prospects my way.

If you are a hot prospect, what are you waiting for?